after midnight ...

My co-worker, Lucy, trying to sleep on the job.

 ... and I wish it was [just the song] running through my mind and not the fact that I'm still awake with other things on my mind.

  Friday's MRI went without complications, and I was hoping to get the results yesterday (Monday) but did not hear from my doctor.

  The colonoscopy has been scheduled for the 20th, and surprisingly a follow-up appointment has already been set for the 31st.  I'm trying not to read too much into the scheduling of a follow-up appointment with the surgeon and not with the physician's assistant that did the initial consult.  I've had colonoscopies in the past and my results were always delivered by phone or snail mail.  But then again, they weren't done because of enlarged lymph nodes on a CT scan, which I'm sure the surgeon has reviewed by now.  I just hope that he's not going to introduce himself the same way the GYN did by talking about radiation giving me the best options.

  Waiting in limbo for answers is the worst place.  Even worse than the diagnosis.  I feel like my life is on hold and I just want to be able to move forward.  I've been putting a face on lately when I'm going out in public for appointments, and it has been an interesting change for me.  I've noticed that when I wear makeup, I feel healthier, more alive.  I'd put on a face for working at home, but since I've not been sleeping well lately it is hard to get motivated for that.  In the past week, I've applied for two local office jobs, and will see how that goes.  As much as I love working from home, it can be very isolating.  Especially now when I feel that I need to stop being so isolated.  I need a bigger local support group.  Nancy has been amazing by giving me rides to and from doctor appointments.  Annie, willing to lend me her car for errands.  Neighbors across the street helping with the flat tire, and offering help.

  Churches here are about to go back on lockdown, I think.  I listened to an Episcopal service this past Sunday where they talked about going back to social distancing and masking as the Delta variant is gaining momentum.  I think, especially being at higher risk right now, watching online services will be my Sunday routine for a while.

  Rain is forecast for the rest of the week, and I truly hope we get it.  It has been so dry here that even the trees are wilting.  If I don't cut my gladiolus as soon as they start to bloom they wither and die without even showing much color.  If I had an outside water faucet, I'd set up drip lines for my front gardens.  Of the five peonies I planted, I think only one of them will survive, and my rose bush has died even with me watering it.  I've set out water bowls for the birds and smaller animals.  One of the creeks that I cross on my walk into town has completely dried up.  What we need is a slow, steady, refreshing rain.  Not gully-washers, just consistent.

   Limbo makes my mind race for things to do.  One of them this past weekend was getting some pictures I had blown up framed and hung on the entry wall by the door.  I couldn't think of what to put up then finally decided to put up doors, appropriately enough.  Some of the doors and entryways that I photographed when I went on my trips to Europe years ago.   Impossible to believe that it has been almost 14 years since I went.  And that long since my father died.

  I can't even comprehend that right now.