a leap of faith ...

   I may have mentioned here before my lack of friends and family in White Sulphur Springs.  Throwing a dart at a map, and moving somewhere just because I can afford the rent and they let me have two cats and a dog was a wise move at the time under the circumstances.  But I hadn't planned on health issues continuing the Covid19 isolation for the first five months of the year.  Working from home = convenient and a job that moves with me, but can also be isolating in that friends made in Zoom-ish meetings usually live in other states.  A little hard to gather for a weekend BBQ, coffee on Sunday, or happy hour after work.  Especially when my happy hour now consists of uninterrupted crafting, or snuggles with one of the cats while watching TV.

  I have made one friend, Annie, at a little shop on Main Street.  I even got to hang out with her 10-year-old son, William, last weekend when she worked a 2nd job helping with a concert at the Road Hog BBQ.  But for the most part, I've become more of an introvert these last 11 years than the days when I would show up when a new neighbor was moving into my Florida townhouse complex.  Armed with toilet paper, paper towels, pizza, and cold water I would welcome them to the neighborhood and warn them that I threw parties once a month and invited everyone as an excuse to deep clean my house first.

  Yesterday after work, I had planned on going to pick up some prescriptions at Walgreens, and some groceries at Food Lion.  I hopped into my truck, started it up, threw it into gear, and eased down on the gas.  And didn't move.  Odd.  I eased a bit more on the gas and started to pull away from the curb when I felt some resistance and heard an odder sound.  I call it a wubba wubba sound.  The sound of a very flat tire.

  A very flat tire.  No car jack.  And a spare tire that doesn't look like it is even for my truck (that I have been hauling around for three years now).  At a time when all of the tire repair shops were getting ready to close for the day.

  My auto insurance has roadside assistance, and will tow my truck somewhere I can get it repaired since I'm not sure the spare will fit, but then I have to find a way to get to it once repaired.  Plus hope that they have time to fix it in one day and that it can be fixed and will not require an all-new tire.  Annie said she could give me a ride to pick it up, but I decided to also take a step out in faith because I felt this was God trying to humble me to ask for help.

  I'm not an asker.  I'm usually a giver.  A doer.  A surpriser.  Asking for help has always been hard for me.  I can spend all kinds of money on others, but have a hard time splurging on myself 95% of the time.  On top of that, ten years with an angry alcoholic/addict burnt a lot of bridges and distanced a lot of neighbors and friends everywhere we lived.  That made it hard for me to trust people and put me in an isolation box.

  But I'm at a place in my life right now where I need to have a support system.  I love Annie to pieces, but she's got a job and a son, and will not always be available to help me, especially when/if I become more ill or need to have surgeries or other treatments for cancer.

  So I posted on two Facebook community pages asking for help to get my tire fixed so I can get to my gastro specialist and MRI appointments later next week (a massively HUGE leap of faith for me).  Faith was rewarded.  One of the responses was from a neighbor directly across the street from me, whose husband will look at the tires when he gets off work today.  The other, from someone who will give me rides if needed (hello future colonoscopy!).

  Stepping out of the box is a good thing.

Words on Wednesday 7/28

 This month, [Lissa is the host] for Words for Wednesday. Started by Delores ages ago, it is now hosted by different people each month on various blogs around the world. The aim of Words for Wednesday is to encourage us to write using some or all of the prompts.  Her prompts today are inspired by The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett.

~*~*~

    Her fear was like a secret fire burning within her, and she hated it.  Despised it even.  There had been periods of her life when it controlled her.  After a time, however, she would stomp it out and rise up to face it.  Often at great physical risk to herself.

     Now, she went on a garden walk, with the weight of the world on her shoulders and very nearly consumed by the fear of what uncertainties lay ahead.  Her mind raced at times, and she wished ~ prayed even ~ that she could abandon everything unknown for some magic that would cure her.

    Looking back on her life, she had no regrets ... well, almost none.  That last marriage probably should have been a do-over back to the moment she agreed to let him go with her to Texas.  But what could she do now?  Nothing lasted forever and for that, she was grateful that the marriage hadn't.

    The key to happiness she realized, wasn't in only the happy moments.  It was being able to spring back from the bad with a sense of purpose, and with a new respect for the lessons of life.

monday part two ...

 

Image Source: WeHeartIt.com

... or rather "anticipation" as sung by Carly Simon before Heinz Ketchup made it more about tomatoes.

  Today's appointments ... one a boob smasher, and the other even more painful ... went as well as could be expected.  The mammogram was actually not painful compared to previous ones, thanks to a new 3D screening process.  However, there were three or four biopsies taken during the "other" exam and those were very uncomfortable.

    I like Dr. Connie.  She is straight to the point, which startled me at first.  She had been able to view the CT images and read the report before I saw her.  But having a doctor come in and tell you radiation is going to give the best odds is not how most great conversations start.  Memorable ones, yes, but not always good ones.  I told her I wasn't sure I wanted to do radiation because I didn't have a big support system here and couldn't afford to miss a lot of work.  She said we could do nothing, I could walk out the door right then, but in five weeks I could be out of work anyway and in hospice.  With that thought in mind, I agreed to do the exam and then see what came back with the biopsy results.

     After talking to Dr. K when I got home, he clarified her "opening statement" can be an example of how different surgeons and general practitioners view cancer.  Surgeons sometimes want to approach everything as cancer until it is proven not.  GPs sometimes want to approach everything as not cancer until it is proven it is.  

     I'm not going to let it worry me until I know I have something to worry about.  Dr. K pointed out some of my recent test results seem to indicate whatever was wrong is improving, but at the same time, he told me there were quite a few enlarged lymph nodes.  If it isn't something gynecological, then it could still be something with my colon based on where they were.  It is unlikely they are related to whatever is going on with my liver.  Between the two doctors, I feel I'm getting honest conversations, and good perspectives. 

    This next week will be filled with anticipation for the results of the biopsies, scheduling more diagnostic exams (MRI and the dreaded colonoscopy), and taking everything one day at a time.

    And yes, Charlotte, I have a dark sense of humor.  Warped, often self-deprecating, twisted, wicked.  Because if I can't laugh at myself and my life, I shouldn't laugh at anyone else... I'd probably need to be locked up somewhere too.  A sense of humor is the best defense against the injustices of growing old.

     This is my favorite card, and I received it years before my retinal tear took most of the vision in my right eye.  One of my surgeries was just before changing jobs, and I hung this card on my cubical wall when I started my new job with a patch over my eye.  My Program Manager, call sign Rowdy, asked me if someone was making fun of me by posting the card, and I told him no, it was mine.  He said I would fit in just perfect there, and my call sign of Cyclops was born.

     Laughter is healing.

monday morning ...

   The weekend was quiet with some things accomplished and some things not.

 

  Friday I stepped out and discovered that some of my gladiolas are starting to bloom, and the sedum that I rescued from the trash.

    I finished cleaning the downstairs; got the stairs going up and my bedroom vacuumed; folded, and put away the clean clothes.  Trust me, that alone is an accomplishment because sometimes I can have two weeks of clothes in the dryer, or just pull from a stack of three weeks worth of clean that is piled up in a chair.  I think I was anxious cleaning in anticipation of this afternoon's GYN appointment.

 

   I hung flower prints in my bedroom by my meditation slash journaling chair and decided to look for old quilts or woven blankets to hang in the living room.  Finished putting up some family and friend pictures in the dining room.   I still have more to print but decided that I didn't want to go all frames in the small space I had left so put up some twine to clothespin the photos like a banner.

    Saturday night I hung out with the ten-year-old son of a friend and used that as an excuse to rewatch some animated movies I hadn't seen in a while.

    I was up and down all Saturday night with a migraine, I've had headaches for the past week and my blood pressure has been a bit on the almost high side, with my calves, ankles (cankles), and feet swelling at night.  I'll probably reach out to my doctor about getting back on medication for the blood pressure.  I'm not sure if it is caused by the humidity ~ it has been in the 80%s for the last two months and I'm not used to humidity for this long yet.

    This weekend I also came to the decision that I'm not going to let the financial burden of medical bills stress me out and drag me down right now.  If I'm given a diagnosis with a simple fix and a positive outlook for extended years, I will file bankruptcy after the beginning of the year.  If it is a bad diagnosis, without a simple fix, and a short life expectancy ... then I will just not even worry about it.  What are they going to do?  Kill me?  Bwahahahahahaha.

thursday blues ...

Image Source: WeHeartIt.com

     Monday I got another call from Dr. K.  I'm really going to have to teach him how to have a better bedside manner voice.  He'd had a chance to talk to the radiologist who reviewed the CT scans.  The ultrasounds of my liver that had been done previously in Wisconsin (and showed a hemangioma that I've known about for decades) could not be definitively linked to the dark area that showed on the CT scans a week ago.  Given my other symptoms (weight loss & blood test results), I will be getting an MRI of my liver soon.

     Now that I know something is going on physically with me, it seems like the "little" pains I've had for the past year or so and ignored as just my fibromyalgia have become more frequent and intense.  But I don't know if that is just psychological because I'm more aware, or a real change in the intensity because of it progressing.  As I told my doctor, I'm so used to being IN pain, that I don't even acknowledge it anymore and have developed a high tolerance.

     The bills for my April hospital stay of four nights are finally catching up to me after going through my previous health insurance plan's processing.  If cancer doesn't kill me, the stress of the bills will.  I found out on Tuesday that I owe about $30k unless the hospital has a "charity" willing to offer financial assistance.  I feel like both the rock and the hard place just fell on my head.  I will be submitting the application to the hospital next Monday after my GYN appointment.  Fingers crossed.

     The more doctor/specialist visits, test appointments, and whatever treatment options I have will provide more bills, even if my insurance deductible was met with just the CT scan (my portion alone is $1,300), I will still have out of pocket costs associated with them.  But they will also cause me to miss more hours from work, which will become an issue.  Just one 8 hour day is a significant decrease in a week's pay, and I won't be able to keep with my original plan of just missing one day of work a month.

     For laughs, I looked at what the social security disability insurance process was and found out that at the very least, I would be eligible for payments five months AFTER diagnosis as long as I am no longer able to do my job.  That time frame is not automatic and does not include the time to apply, fill out forms, respond to requests for more information from my doctor, etc.  In reality, depending on my health, I may be out of work for a year before receiving any payments and even if they include back pay to the original diagnosis date ... that is terrifying to me.  I don't have any long or short disability payment insurance with my job.

     A co-worker I've confided in feels I should set up a GoFundMe account to help with financial needs.  I'm struggling with that because I've always been a giver, not an asker.  I guess I just figured that this would be a situation where I would go to sleep one night and not wake up.  The realization that it could actually be a long, drawn-out process ... a long, drawn-out, expensive process ... is alarming.

     But I will take winning lottery numbers if anyone from the future happens to have them.

*~*~*

     In the meantime, I've decided that since it is unlikely I will ever get back to Germany again I found a German restaurant about an hour and a half away, as well as an Aldi's store near it.  I have calendared trips over that way about once a month starting in September as long as I can make the drive.  Just in time for Octoberfest and Christmas!

    The West Virginia State Fair is coming in August, and I was considering going, however, crowds make me uncomfortable these days with so many people being anti-vax anti-mask anti-social distancing ... I think I will probably wind up staying home and watching Charlotte's Web on a streaming movie channel or something.  Buy a bag of cotton candy at the grocery store, pop up extra buttered popcorn, cook up corn dogs, funnel cakes, and get me a big glass of ice-cold lemonade.  If I really have to have the whole state fair experience, I can order [these candles from Etsy that smell like cow pies and pig farts].

Words on Wednesday 7/21

This July, [Lissa is the host] for Words for Wednesday. Started by Delores it is now hosted by different people each month on various blogs. The aim of Words for Wednesday is to encourage us to write using some or all of the prompts.  Her prompts today are inspired by Agnes Grey, written by Anne Brontë.

~*~

Eloise glanced over the shoulder of her younger sister, Mavis, and silently read the latest epistle from their father who was off doing missionary work in some god-forsaken part of the world.  She missed him terribly and wished that he would have stayed home this time.  But Reginald Chatham was never a man who turned his back on improving the welfare of those less fortunate than himself.  Especially when those less fortunate were children.  As her sister continued to read, Eloise thought back to the conversation she had with her father just before he left, nearly two months ago.

"But Father, why?  Why must I be the one to stay home with Mavis this time?  Why can't Jerald stay?"

"Eloise, darling, you know that the last time Jerald took care of Mavis he lost her for two days in the park."

"Yes, well that wasn't my fault.  Why am I being punished for his foolishness at putting her in a motorized cart and letting her go off on her own while he flirted with that silly girl?"

"You aren't being punished, dear.  I trust you with your sister.  I do not trust Jerald.  I'm also hoping that this trip will give him a spirit of compassion for others, especially for our travel companions the Eldgewaters."

"The Eldgewaters?!?  Oh my, then I am glad to be staying home with Mavis.  Is their boy, Walter, going with them?  He is positively annoying Mavis to no end with his efforts to court her.  Yesterday he delivered three dozen primroses for her, and she wouldn't even give him the time of day."

"Yes, Walter will be going as well.  His father is hopeful that he will do some growing up on this trip and be more willing to step into a leadership role at the hospital."

Eloise had silently sent a prayer of thanks up to God for that news, as her father continued to pack and prepare for the journey.

Dr. Chatham and the Eldgewater family would be crossing the sea in one of the latest ocean liners, before setting off on foot to walk the remaining distance to a small town along a river.  From there, locals would row them upriver in small canoes to the location of the settlement.  They would be providing medical treatment to the community with what limited supplies they could carry with them.

"Well, would you listen to this, Eloise?  Father included a note from Walter to me and he says that he hopes I am remaining faithful to him as he is to me and that my happiness is all that he thinks about.  Do you suppose he has contracted malaria and it has made him delusional?"

The two sisters laughed until they were nearly in tears.

monday ...

    After Friday's news threw me for a small loop, the rest of the weekend was somewhat productive.  My sore throat progressed to a full chest cold, but after I'm up and moving around, I feel a little better.  Hospital cooties are the worst.

   Saturday I ran some errands before settling in to do some much-needed cleaning and organizing.  I'm rather pleased to say that my downstairs is now 98% cleaned and organized with a few projects completed.  One of the biggies was doing something with the lid of the old trunk which is now a cat bed in the living room.  As if they needed ANOTHER one.  Lucy approves of it.

   Speaking of the cats not needing yet another bed ... I got them another window seat since Lucy would throw out some serious pout if Gracie beat her to the one I had (the top one in the photo).  Now they both can have their own window seats.  I've noticed that whenever I happen to be working in the office everyone else is here too.  The living room, however, usually has Gracie on my lap, Charlie grumbling that she's too close to him, and Lucy running laps upstairs sounding like a small elephant.

   One of the projects I got done was finally putting Trooper and Oreo's ashes to rest.  I've ordered some lily-of-the-valley roots for fall planting and will put them in the center of the pot.  The Egyptian cartouche in the pot is from a [Once Upon a Book Club subscription box] I tried and it says "Always and Forever."  The book was called ["The Book of Two Ways" by Jodi Picoult] and was really quite fascinating.  I 'dig' archeology (ba-dum-dum).

    Number one on my do-do-to-do list for this morning was to try and get an earlier appointment with my GYN.  It has now been rescheduled from 9 Aug to next Monday afternoon.

     A Halloween ornament I had ordered early last week arrived today.  I now need to get a new ornament tree and have put one in my Amazon shopping cart for when I win the lottery.  My left brain is of the "stop buying things that bring me joy and save your money for ... I don't know what or why" mindset.  But then, the right brain wins by smacking the left side a few times and reminding it that the whole point of any of this is wanting to live quality, not quantity, and if an ornament tree makes me happy every month by decorating it for the seasons, then the left brain needs to shut the front door.  Or some saying a little less polite and politically correct.  I am not dead yet, and while my doctor's tone of voice seemed to make things feel a little dire, there is still a lot of spunk in me that doesn't have spikes or purple color.

    That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

and the results are in ...

   But before I reveal what is behind Door # 3,  this was shortly after I cut my hair last Sunday, before I did the purple color wash (which is already fading, unfortunately).  I can't decide if I like it spiked or not since my forehead looks remarkably larger than I expected when I style it up.  But I do like some kind of a color wash in it because with my normal 75% white hair, I think I just look ... washed out.

    Naturally, after spending a few hours in the hospital (and stressed by the blowout), I started to catch a throat cold the next day so have been popping cough drops like candy and drinking an herbal throat coat with licorice in it.

    On the right here is Door # 1.  One of my birdcages with the English Ivy.  This one is standing in my dining room by the window.  The original pot would not fit in the tiny door, so I repotted it into three smaller pots (one of which is actually a mug with two little birds at the base of it). 

   Door # 2 is the larger of the two birdcages that actually has a door wide enough to fit my favorite bird planter.  (there's a theme going on here)  It sits on the end table in the living room by the side yard window.  The "fairy" looking item hanging from the top is actually a hummingbird ornament from Hallmark.

  I posted a note on a "free stuff" Facebook page that I was looking for free cuttings of houseplants, or even potted houseplants.  I'd like to get more greenery in the house.  As a result of my post, someone offered a peace lily, which I picked up on Thursday.  Fully expecting a small plant, it was actually quite a large one that is about two years old.  I'm thrilled!  It is now sitting on the table with the hummingbird cage where it will get some filtered sun and block the view of me from prying eyes as they walk the street.

  Onto Door # 3 ...

   The bloodwork came back on Wednesday.  Some of it was good news, some of it not so good news.   Not necessarily bad, just not good and not what the doctor wanted to see.  The inflammatory marker that was 101 in May dropped to normal levels which is VERY good news.  However, I'm still anemic even after being on iron for a month.  In fact, more anemic than I was in May (my number dropped from 9.7 to 9.1).  So more tests will follow and there is no avoiding a colonoscopy now.

  Late Friday afternoon I got the result of the CT scans.  I have several enlarged lymph nodes in my lower abdominal area, and the radiologist asked if I had a "history of gynecological cancer."  I did, and apparently, I still do.  They also noticed a large dark area on my liver, which I think is a known hemangioma and nothing of concern.  My doctor's voice said more than he did, however, and when I asked if I could wait until my appointment on the 9th of August to see the GYN doctor, he suggested that I should try to get in to see her sooner, and he would recommend she review the CT scans as well.

  None of it was a surprise.  I've known this diagnosis was coming, and have been expecting it for at least nine years since my last surgery.  I will see what she recommends for treatment, and hope at the very least that it will be just an outpatient surgery to remove my ovaries and the lymph nodes.

~*~

   Crafting is my distraction from all things stressful, so I have started working on one of the used book projects.  It will be a time-consuming one.  I started with clamping the book closed, and unfortunately, the picture to the right is misleading.  I realized I would need to open the front cover after I had started otherwise I would have glued it shut and simply had a door-stop.  Once correctly clamped, I forgot to take a new photo.  

  

    I glued the edges so that I could then start cutting out the internal pages to make it a box.  It may become a jewelry box or a secret stash box on a shelf, or I may decide to make it a miniature diorama.  It was a Reader's Digest Condensed Books selection, and of the stories, there is one called "Airport" that could be fun to do.  But there is also one called "The New Year" and so I may decorate the interior with that theme of fireworks, and use it to keep my tiny slips of paper for burning my regrets, anger, and negativity on New Year's Eve to start the year with a clean slate and peace of mind.

   The pages I'm cutting out will be used for another project.  I found on Pinterest a rose wreath, and the roses are made of rolled book pages and may attempt that, or use them for one of the other gazillion ideas Pinterest has.  Sue talks about flower catalogs being "flower porn."  Pinterest is my "craft porn."

Tuesday's adventures ...

Image Source: WeHeartIt
Because I know better than
to try and take pictures on a foggy
mountain road.

   The clouds were low in the mountains between here and Lewisburg where the hospital was for the CT scans yesterday.  I took a road that would wind through them, rather than the freeway that would deposit me in the middle of downtown Lewisburg and morning traffic (yes!  traffic!  Apparently, there are a lot of commuters in White Sulphur Springs).

  I had to drink a full 20oz of "berry-flavored" contrast before my scans, and honestly, the berry flavoring did nothing to improve the taste, however, the ice did as it got colder.  Unfortunately, by the time the ice had made a difference, it was pretty much gone.

  There were two scans being done, one with the contrast I drank, and the other with an injected contrast.  Therein lay the first hiccup of the day.  As soon as the injection was started, my vein blew out, leaking blood and contrast all over the bedding and causing me incredible pain in my arm and hand.  My hand cramped up into a claw.  The pain eventually subsided and there was enough contrast in for a good scan before they had to stop it because of the pain.  My arm is sore this morning and a little swollen, but not bruised yet.

  So remember where I said clouds were low?  Of course, I left my headlights on when I went into the hospital at 8a.  When I tried to leave almost three hours later, my battery was dead.  I waited about 15 minutes (all while a man was sitting in his truck right next to me with windows open and could clearly hear my alternator clicking ~ so much for WV chivalry) before finally calling for roadside assistance.  When they finally said they would be 90 minutes before getting to me, I tried one last time, and thankfully, my truck fired up.  I canceled the assistance and headed out.

  My next appointment was 2p so I had a few hours to kill before I needed to be anywhere.  I found a florist shop that had some live houseplants and picked up two English Ivy plants for my birdcages before heading to the appointment a little early.  Pictures to follow this weekend of the plants in the cages after I get one of them repotted.

  More blood was drawn ~ this time intentionally ~ at the follow-up appointment to see if I'm still anemic, and if the one marker for cancer or an autoimmune disorder has gone up or down.  The hope is that it has dropped and that I'm no longer anemic.  Otherwise, my doctor was very pleased that the prayers, good wishes, virtual hugs, and positive juju seem to have been working to turn things around for me.

  Results of the CT scans and new bloodwork should be back by the end of this week, so I will post an update as soon as I know.

so i did this thing ...

 

My hair lately has just been making me crazy.  It was hot on my neck all the time.  Living in Wisconsin, I had forgotten what long-term humidity felt like, and temps have been in the upper 80's here the last few weeks.

Trying to grow my bangs out was a true test of patience and I failed completely.  

I came home from church intending to do a Sharon Stone style cut, thinking that if she can cut her hair and make it look fabulous, why can't I?  

Well, I couldn't.  

I had to get the clippers I use to trim Charlie and shaved most of it off.

And you know what?

It feels great.

Even if it doesn't look the greatest, and the purple wash is just temporary, the cool thing about hair is that it will grow back.

Eventually.

And there are hats, and scarves, and all kinds of cool things I can wear.  Especially all my beautiful earrings again, now that my hair won't hide them.

Let the fun begin.

little man & fireflies ...

   It was a busy day today that started with Charlie going to a new groomer for a much overdue haircut.  The groomer was several miles away and of course, I took the "scenic" route to get there, but only asking for directions once. 

   I chose to take him there only because they offered Saturday hours and his normal groomer doesn't, but we won't be going back.  She did an okay job on his cut, but the shop itself was unpleasant.  There were several tanks of rats and mice that she kept as "feeders" for snakes, and the odor was overwhelming.

  Tonight he is exhausted and unwilling to leave my side.

  The girls, on the other hand, are pleased with the relocation of the bird feeders, and honestly, I like it too since it gives me a closer view of the birds.  The screen on that window is black, so they can't see us at all.  Sometimes they even sit on the window sill or cling to the screen which makes Gracie a little crazy.

  While I was waiting for Charlie to get done, I did some shopping for bargains at the Goodwill and a place called Ollies.  I found a few used hardback books that are older and perfect for some craft projects I will share in a future post.  I also found a decent price on a small food processor to replace one I left in Wisconsin, and some metal hanging baskets with coconut liners that are perfect for the hanging bird bath/feeders I wanted to make.

  Last night I sat on the back patio for a while watching the fireflies.  Unfortunately, one of the neighbors still had some fireworks, and Charlie wasn't really pleased with the noise.  As I'm typing this, someone else just set off more fireworks.  I think I agree with Australia's policy of not making fireworks available to the general public.  This time, however, Charlie is so exhausted he didn't even lift his head.

  A few weeks ago I posted a prayer request to my Facebook page about my recent health issues.  Since then, there has been an improvement in my health ~ at least from my current perspective ~ that I believe is connected to the thoughts and prayers of friends and family ~ and those of my blogger friends.  The ulcers on my tongue have ceased, and the gastric inconveniences also have stopped.  I am still losing weight, however, this morning my blood sugar number was in the green for the first time since early April.

  I still believe that it was all stress related to ten years of living hell with my ex-husband, and once I realized that it was finally over, my body just collapsed in on itself.  Everything started when I found out I would not have to go back to Wisconsin to testify against him (face-to-face) on the restraining order violation.  It has felt like my body was physically purging all of the stress, negativity, and depression from the last ten years.

  Barring any additional issues with my health insurance, I will still have the CT scans done next Tuesday and a follow-up with my primary care doctor.  But for the first time in a long time, I am feeling better and the future doesn't look so dark from where I am sitting.

Monday ...

  I walked into town yesterday afternoon to watch the 4th of July parade.  It was sponsored by The Greenbrier Resort, so was a little bit larger than the Dandelion Festival Parade.

  The big celebrity was a bulldog.  Yes, a bulldog.  If I'd known who it was at the time, I would have rushed to get a selfie with him as some people did.  But "Babydog" was unknown to me until later.  He is the state governor's dog, and the official mascot of the "Do it for Babydog" campaign to encourage people to get the COVID-19 vaccine.

  There was a jazz brass band playing When the Saints, Come Marching In which would have been a lot more fun if they'd stayed long enough to play the full song and encourage dancing in the street, but I think I would have to have been in Louisana for that to happen.

  Every single golf cart from the resort must have been there, and since none of them appeared to carry beauty queens or veterans, I think they were driven by guests of the resort.  Free candy, nonetheless.  There were ponies, horses, and loud fire engines.

  While waiting for the parade to start, I stopped in a coffee shop [The Local WV] that recently reopened after the flood of 2016 and got a (larger than expected) scoop of butter pecan ice cream, and a chocolate chunk with PRETZELS cookie.  My new favorite cookie combo!

  Fireworks started shortly after sundown, with my landlord setting off almost as many as The Greenbrier Resort did, only much (MUCH) closer.  Fortunately, Charlie is unaffected by the sound, altho the cats aren't fond of it.   It reminded me of the year in Wisconsin that I was on the dock where they were actually setting off the city's fireworks.

    While I waited for the rest of the neighborhood to run out of pyrotechnics, I picked up a book I had started reading a chapter a night last week.  The Giver of Stars by Jojo Moyes.  Before I knew it, it was 2am and I was ten chapters into it.  I was tempted to finish it, it had been so long since I was that involved in a book, but I decided to save the rest of it for today.  

   The book is set in Depression-era Kentucky ~ coal mines and mountains ~ and is based on the true story of the Packhorse Librarians.  Women who were the first truly mobile library, riding horses and mules, packing books in saddlebags to take them to the ruralist of rural residents of the Appalachian mountains.  Helping children learn to read, and one woman find where her heart belongs.

freedom ...

Image Source:
WeHeartIt.com

   I have mixed feelings about the 4th of July this year after the killings and events of the past several years, and news in my feed this morning.  I know that the day is meant to celebrate "our" freedom from the rule of England.  But at the same time, I feel that there really weren't that many freedoms won in the past 245 years.

  Slavery for blacks in this country ended just 155 years ago, a fact that I find discouraging because there is still so much slavery going on here and around the world.  And even though they were recognized as "free men," blacks were still segregated until the 1960s ~ in my lifetime!  It took 102 years for this country to recognize those free men as "equal men."

   Yet this morning my newsfeed had the story of a white man getting caught putting a KKK note on the coat of a black man, and I feel like there was nothing learned or gained in those 155 years.

  Our history doesn't speak of the First People forced from their lands for white man's advances, their children ripped from their arms to be "saved" by the white man's religions.  We don't mention the thousands of Chinese slaves used to build the railroads.  We don't speak of the illegal immigrants from Mexico or other countries who are "enslaved" by the threat of calling INS and forced to work and live in horrible conditions, for wages that no "American" would accept.

  Little is said most of the time in the news about the slaves in other countries.  We are a society more interested in the love lives of our celebrities than the conditions of people in the world.  People.  Humans.  Just like us, who are enslaved by others.  We care more about social media influencers and "flash-in-the-pan" wannabe celebrities than our neighbors.

   Why should we celebrate a day in which there were really no freedoms gained?  The Independence Day I would really want to celebrate is a day when ALL people are free, and ALL people are considered equal.  Can't we strive for that?

森林ーよく

  Last night, around sunset, I practiced a little bit of Shinrin ̄ yoku ~ forest well ~ by sitting on my back patio and listening to the birds.  The [Merlin Bird ID app] has added a new feature that allows you to record bird sounds and then it identifies the birds by song.

   I may be slightly addicted to the app now.  I spent about 45 minutes occasionally recording bird songs and seeing what their identified results were.  It was fascinating.  I also did back and forth bird calls with a cardinal and think I might have accepted a marriage proposal.  The male was somewhere distant, and as I responded to his calls by playing recorded ones in the Merlin system, he flew closer and closer until he was in a tree directly across from me.  I don't think I was what he expected to see.

  Fireflies were out also last night and I tried for a while to record video of them, but there was too much light still, and they flash so briefly that it was impossible to see them in the video.

   Speaking of foresting ... check out [this website] if you are looking for some relaxation during the day and can't see the forest for the trees.

  It will be a quiet 3-day weekend for me to catch up on things around the house.  My landlords will be doing some repairs and hopefully installing ceiling fans in the upstairs rooms.  The 4th of July looks like it will be a big weekend in town with a lot planned.  Neighbors across the street have had their gas grill on the front lawn for a few days now, so there may be a block party in the works during the weekend.  Rain is in the forecast from now until Saturday, but it appears that the 4th will be fireworks friendly.

  Gracie feels that I need to get a second window seat for her because Lucy hogs the one I have.  I may have to do that.  Once there is a ceiling fan in here, I won't need to occasionally open the window (too noisy when I work anyway).