vultures ...

   "Clarence?  What are you looking at?"

   "Those birds.  Soaring in circles up there.  What kind of birds do you think they are?  Ravens, maybe?"

   "Not likely.  Probably vultures.  Why?"

   "Hmmm.  I see them quite frequently circling over our house, Albert.  Do you think they are an omen?"

   "I think they are too high up in the sky to know exactly whose house they are circling over, but no.  I don't think they are an omen.  Vultures are scavengers, and they probably smell something in the forest."

   "Hmmm.  Have you ever thought about the people that have lived and died in our house, Albert?  I mean, really thought about them.  What their lives were like.  Whether or not they knew they were going to die when they moved into the house.  What their last thoughts were about.  I went through some of the trunks in the attic and there have been a great number of tragedies.  Did you know that?"

   "I suppose I suspected, but never really thought about it much, Clarence.  It is a very old home, and I'm sure that before modern conveniences like electricity, indoor plumbing, or even automobiles that took someone to the hospital, there were several deaths there.  It stands to reason there may also have been some births there as well."

   "Perhaps.  But it seems that there have been an extraordinary amount of tragedies.  Parents lost at sea.  Suicides.  Mysterious drownings ~ both in the lake and in the house.  Disappearances.  And now this ... this spider that we have unleashed upon the village.  I just don't know how much more I can take."

   "Clarence, we don't know what happened there while we were gone.  The police found no evidence of the exterminator in the house and their investigation didn't even turn up any evidence of the spider.  They haven't been able to find him at all.  His employer said that he had always seemed a bit off and was extremely unreliable.  Perhaps when he realized that he had damaged the tent while removing it from the house he decided to quit the job and leave the country.  It's my understanding that tents to fumigate a house as large as ours can cost over £200,000.  I'm certain he was afraid he would have been held responsible for the damage."

   "Do you think you are safe there, Albert?  Really safe?  I feel the house is cursed.  Haunted.  There has been so much pain and sadness there.  I wish at times it would just burn to the ground.  I don't want to go back there.  I can't.  I won't."

   "You needn't worry about that right now.  Just focus on becoming well.  We can talk about it all when the doctor says you are well enough to leave the hospital."

   "But I worry about you being there alone, Albert.  Please promise me that you won't go back there tonight.  Stay here with me.  Please.  Please, Albert."

   "Shhh, shhh, shhh.  Don't get yourself worked up about it.  I will stay with you until your medicine takes effect and you fall asleep.  If it will make you sleep any better tonight, I will take a room at the inn to be closer to you until you are well."

rosemary for protection ...

 May 17, 1930

Dear Mabel,

Thank you so much for the condolence flowers and card.  Mother is just so devastated.  Father blames himself.  He says that if he hadn't forbidden Gregory from going into the cellar, he would not have been tempted to sneak down there.

The oddest thing though, is that no one can understand how he could have drowned in such a small amount of water, or even where it came from.  Mr. McGowan, the caretaker, insists that the cellar has never had water in it before and that the old well wasn't even in the cellar.

I took solace in the attic after Gregory's funeral.  One of the old trunks had beautiful dresses in it that must have belonged to a girl my age.  They fit me perfectly!  I also found a diary in the trunk that must have been hers.  Her name was Catherine, and I think something horrible happened to her.  Mabel, I think her room is the same one that is now mine!  I think that she died in that room.  She wrote that she had been locked in the room by a woman who must have been the housekeeper and simply forgotten.  There were a few other short entries after that one, but then nothing.

I can't help but wonder if it is her presence I sometimes feel in my room.  It is such a sadness that I feel that I'm often brought to tears for no reason at all.  Except lately there seem to be too many reasons for tears.  I miss Gregory so much, Mabel.  I just can't believe he is gone.

Please come visit soon.  I need you.

Catherine

Lost and found ...

 

May 16, 1929

 Dearest Mabel,

 We've just arrived at the new house and it is so large I think I will have to leave bread crumbs to follow whenever I leave my room!

Father said that the house is over 200 years old.  I can't wait to explore the attic to see if anything was left behind.  Wouldn't it be wonderful to find an old trunk filled with dresses or jewelry?!?!

There is a cellar also, but Father said it was off-limits.  I wouldn't want to go down there anyway.  Probably spiders down there and I would simply die if one of them crawled on me.

Gregory, of course, is more interested in exploring the forest on the property, and the lake.  Typical boy.  Father, however, forbids him to go exploring alone.  The forest is very dark, not because of all the trees, but because it feels threatening.  Evil.  It is hard for me to explain, but there is no worry that I will ever go in there with or without him.

You will have to come to visit soon.  I miss you already!

Elizabeth

Virginia

May 15th, 1828

Dearest Diary,

I almost escaped.  I took a train two weeks after my last entry down to the harbor and booked passage on a ship leaving for America a week's time.  I spent my days talking with a girl my age who was returning to Virginia and she promised that I would be able to stay with them when we arrived.

She told me how beautiful it was there, and of these little blue flowers that looked like bells, and how large her father's house was.

I was so excited, Diary.

But then Grandpapa's men found me and took me back here to this horrible, horrible house.  He was in a rage when we arrived.  Even angrier than I'd ever seen him before in my life.  His face took on a resemblance to the gargoyles up on the widow's walk, and I feared perhaps he had been possessed by one of them.

For the past year, he has kept me under lock and key, constantly watched by Mrs. Abernathy or one of his men.  I've not even been allowed to bathe myself alone or use the privy!  This house has become a prison for me, I've not seen as much as a tree or bird outside because all of the drapes have been pulled close in front of the windows.

Grandpapa would not even speak to me, choosing instead to spend all his time in the cellar.  I heard him talking at times when I put an ear to the door, but what language he spoke I know not.

Today, Mrs. Abernathy locked me in my room before the sun was even up, and she has not yet come back to bring me breakfast or supper.  I have been able to hear a great many people coming and going from the house, but don't know who or why.  Some of the women have been weeping and praying.  I believe something has happened to Grandpapa.

I am afraid.  I am afraid I have been forgotten.

Catherine
 

Dear Diary ...

May 14th, 1827

Dearest Diary,

I feel so silly at times writing in this journal as if you were a dear friend with whom I can confide all of my deepest fears and strongest dreams.  Yet, here I am once again.

The events of the last fortnight have been most disturbing.  The disappearance of my sweetest little cousin after she chased an errant puppy into the cellar ... Grandmother's unexpected death in the night as she slept ... then sister Elisa's fiancee's sudden suicide on the grounds! 

It has all been far too much for us.  So much sadness.  I feel as if there is an evil presence here, and truly wish we had never come here.  This house had sat empty for so long.  Who knows what kind of people lived here before, or where they went.  I know Grandpapa thought this would be the perfect opportunity for us to finally have land and a home, but I rue the day he set his eyes upon it.  There has been nothing but heartache, pain, and misery in his family and my own since we moved in with them after mother and father vanished at sea on their way to America.

I wish at times I had died with them.  My heart is so heavy with grief.  I am so weary, dearest Diary.  So weary of crying.  I long to set my eyes on happier times, but have no idea where to look.  Perhaps I shall just board a train and get off somewhere that no one knows me.  Pretend I have lost my memory and start my life anew.  It is such a tempting thought.

Catherine

The threshing ...

   "I have to admit, Albert, getting away this past week was just what I needed.  I forget that those in the southern hemisphere don't have the same seasons we do, and it was fascinating being able to take part in the fall harvest in Australia."

  "It was indeed a different experience, Clarence.  Although now that we are back on home soil, I am a little concerned that we haven't heard from the exterminator to let us know that the house was safe to enter."

  "I imagine if the tent is gone, it would be safe, wouldn't it?  Didn't he say it would take three days under the tent, and then three days with the windows open to air it out?"

  "Yes, but I assumed he would call and confirm that everything had been cleared out.  Especially the basement.  I've been calling him for several days now, and he hasn't returned any of my calls."

  [Their car rounds a corner and the house comes into view with the tent partially covering the house.  The exterminator's truck is still there, with the driver-side door open.  Albert and Clarence exchange worried looks.]

  "Should we go in?"

  "I think we should call the police.  We don't know that it was our unwanted house guest, and I'd rather not walk in unarmed in case it was.  But judging by the condition of the tent by the door, I would guess that our guest was not happy with the eviction notice being enforced and decided to leave before the fumigation was finished."

  "Oh, dear."

lights in the sky ...

   "Albert, I'm not sure tonight would be the best time to clean out the basement."

  "Why do you say that?"

  "I feel it will be unwise right now.  The new moon will make it darker than normal with the predicted solar flares tonight.  I don't think it would be a good idea."

  "Don't tell me that you are falling for those old woman stories about ghosts and goblins lurking about on nights like tonight.  Clarence, I know you've always been a little more open-minded than I am, but I have to draw the line at all this supernatural hocus pocus."

  "It's not hocus pocus, Albert.  I mean, we have a giant ... you know what ... in the basement.  How normal is that?  And all the other things that have happened in that house.  The deaths.  The disappearances.  Be honest, Albert.  Strange things happened in that house even before we lived there.  We can't be sure all of them were from the same ... you know what ... in the basement.  Maybe there is some other reason for it all."

  "I won't deny that the house has a history that hasn't exactly been unblemished by tragedy.  But I think we can discount what has happened there as simply being a coincidence and dysfunctional family drama."

  "I didn't think you believed in coincidences, Albert."

  "It doesn't matter what I believe.  What matters now is that you get better.  A night or three out of town on holiday would be the best thing for you now.  In fact, I will join you.  I'll arrange for an exterminator to tent the whole house and fumigate it.  That should solve all our problems, don't you think?"

  "I hope so, Albert.  I really hope so."

jumping in the deep end ...

   "Albert!  We're going to be late for the wake!  Why haven't you dressed yet?"

    "Clarence, the wake was last night.  Don't you remember attending when we got back from the physician's office?"

    "Don't be daft.  Today is Friday!"

    "No.  Today is Saturday.  We came home yesterday afternoon and you insisted upon going to the wake, wearing your kilt, with no knickers I might add.  Then you proceeded to pick Elisa at least three dozen primroses from the garden.  You were quite subdued at the wake, and everyone was very concerned about you.  You don't remember any of that?"

    "I don't recall any of that.  I remember talking to the physician, and getting a shot of something, but everything after that is quite fuzzy.  What did he give me?"

    "It was just something to calm you.  When he asked about your nightmares, you became very agitated, and he thought it would be best to give you a light sedative to relax you."

    "Well, I hope I didn't say anything to embarrass myself in front of Elisa at the wake."

    "No.  You were very polite and offered condolences.  We didn't stay long because after that you just sat in a corner of the pub and didn't say anything at all."

     "Hmmm.  Will I have to have another of those shots?  I don't think I like it much if it made me forget the evening."

     "No.  I picked up a prescription for you this morning of something that will help you to sleep at night.  Clarence, there is something I do have to take care of this afternoon, however, and I think it would be best if you weren't home.  I'd like to take you to Elisa's house if you don't mind for a few hours.  How does that sound?"

     "What are you going to do that I can't be here to help you with?"

     "I'm going to clean out the basement."

lines of the times ...

  [speaking into the phone] "Yes, yes.  I'll hold.  Just tell him it is about Clarence and it is quite urgent that I speak to him.  Thank you."

  "Albert?  Who are you phoning?"

  "I'm phoning your physician as we discussed this morning.  Remember?  You were sleepwalking?"

  "Don't be absurd.  I never sleepwalk."

  "You don't remember being outside in the garden this morning?  You said you were looking at the moon, but there wasn't a moon.  Even if there had been, it was quite foggy and you couldn't have seen it.  You said you heard Mary calling you."

  "Mary is gone, Albert."

  "Yes.  I know.  That's what I told you this morning.  You also said that you'd been dreaming of spiders.  Do you recall that?"

   "I don't recall telling you that."

   "I just think you've been under a great deal of stress lately, and that it might be good to see the doctor.  Perhaps to help with the nightmares?  Neither of us are young men anymore, Clarence, and I'm concerned that you were outside in the fog too long.  Your skin has become too thin of late, and your hands especially are showing your age.  I think that having the physician give you an exam would be best."

  "Fine.  Whatever you think will be best.  But Albert ..."

  "Yes?"

  "What if it is watching and will follow us?"

  "What if what is watching us?"

  "The spider."

  [muffled voice on the telephone]  "Nevermind.  Just tell him that we are on the way now.  This cannot wait any longer."

dark side of the moon ...

   "Clarence!  It is well after midnight!  What are you doing outside skulking around in the dark?  You nearly gave me a heart attack when I found the front door opened!"

   "Oh, hello, Albert.  I was just looking at the moon."

   "Are you sleepwalking?  There is no moon tonight.  It is a New Moon.  Not to mention we are completely fogged in.  I could barely see you.  Are you certain you are awake?"

   "Mmmmm.  Perhaps not.  I thought I heard her calling to me and so came out to find her."

   "Her?  Her who?  Clarence, should I call the physician?"

   "Mary.  I thought I heard Mary calling me.  It sounded like her."

   "Clarence.  Mary is gone.  She could not have been calling you.  I think you have been under a great deal of stress lately, and perhaps it is affecting you more than I was aware.  I suggest when the sun has come up that we go to see your physician."

   "But if the sun comes up, then we won't be able to see the moon anymore."

   "We can't see the moon right now as it is.  I think that it would be best if you came back with me to the house.  I'll get you tucked back into bed and sit with you for a while.  Perhaps I could read to you, would you like that?"

  "Yes.  I'd like that.  It won't be a story with spiders in it, will it?  I've been dreaming of spiders.  Large ones.  Some of them have Mary's face on them.  They aren't very nice."

  "No, I won't tell you any stores with spiders in them.  I promise."

  "Pinky swear?"

  "Pinky swear.  Now, let's get out of this cold fog and back into the house.  Come, come."

prim & proper ...

   "Do you think she'd like these flowers?"

   "What?  Who?"

   "Mary's daughter.  I was going to bring her some out of the garden on Friday."

   "Clarence.  What is going on with you?  First a kilt, now primroses.  Why are you suddenly so interested in Elisa?"

   "Well, I just feel a little responsible."

   "For what?  We don't know that your spider killed her, although if she had a reaction like the officer did it is highly probable that it contributed.  There was no way to conclusively show how she died.  She could have fallen down the stairs, breaking her neck.  It could have been natural causes, she wasn't a spring chicken any longer.  She could have had a heart attack.  Or perhaps a panic attack if her mind slipped and she simply didn't know where she was.  We don't even know for sure that she saw the spider while she was alive.  We only know that IT saw her at some point after she died."

   "For all of that.  I was the one who suggested that she would find more berry jam in the cellar.  I sent her down there."

   "You are too soft, brother.  And perhaps soft on Elisa now as well?"

   "No.  Although she did make a very good pie, I'm just too old and set in my ways.  But, it is unfortunate that her mother died under such odd circumstances, and I feel as if we should have a little more compassion for her."

   "Agreed.  We still have to address the issue of your spider.  We can't pretend it doesn't exist because we could have another unfortunate accident.  While I don't miss going into the basement, I am concerned that it may find a way out."

lost in translation ...

    "Clarence!  What on earth are you wearing?"

    "The family tartan, of course."

    "Yes, I see that.  But why?"

    "Well, I thought I'd see if I remembered how to wear it.  I wanted to wear it to the wake for Mary on Friday."

    "Please tell me you have knickers underneath that.  And remember that we are only half Scottish on father's side.   Mother would not approve of you wearing it."

    "Yes, well, mother isn't here now, is she?  And I thought it would be an appropriate way to honor Mary who actually was Scottish.  Did you know that ..."

   "Oh, blessed joy.   Useless information for 500 Mr. Alex Trebeck."

   "... arse.  I was going to say that the American and British manufacturers appropriated tartan patterns without any regional significance like the Scottish tartans have and began calling them plaid.  The Scottish Gaelic word 'plaide' means blanket, and tartans were initially considered outerwear."

  "And that is important why?"

  "You know, Albert, not everyone wants to be like you and live in the dark ages.  Some of us would like to experience a little more of the world."

  "Hmpf!"

pie ...

  "Detective Griffiths!  What an unexpected surprise.  Do come in.  Tell me, how is your officer doing?  Has he been released from the hospital yet?"

  "No, unfortunately, not as yet.  They are running more tests on him because he seems to have suffered some type of brain injury.  He has been raving mad about a spider the size of an Irish wolfhound.  But I actually came to tell you that we've found Mary."

  [Albert and Clarence exchange looks.]

  "Really?  Well, that's marvelous!  Had she been on holiday and neglected to tell her daughter?"

  "Sadly, no.  She seems to have met with an unfortunate accident in the woods near your property here.  Some young men who were truant from their classes were in the woods and stumbled ... literally ... across her body."

  "Oh my!  What on earth was she doing in the woods, I wonder?"

  "Her daughter said that lately, she'd been having episodes of forgetfulness and had gone for walks and forgotten how to get home.  Most of the time in had been in town where someone had recognized her and brought her home.  However, there were a few times she had taken a path through the woods thinking it was a shortcut home, and been lost for several hours.  It would have been helpful to us if she had mentioned this earlier, but I don't know if it would have made a difference."

  "How so?"

  "The medical examiner believes that she may have suffered a heart attack, but it would be difficult to say for sure.  By the time she was found, it seemed that the elements and nature had their way with her.  She was wrapped in a sheet, but her daughter identified it as one of hers and thinks that she may have been outside hanging laundry when her mind slipped away.  She was also covered in thousands of spiderwebs so we suspect that they may have taken refuge under the sheet as she lay on the ground."

  "Tragic.  Simply tragic."

  "Oh, I almost forgot.  Her daughter gave me a box for you two.  One moment, let me get it from the boot of my car."

  [The door opens, and the three men step outside to the front of the house.  The brothers watch as the detective goes to the rear of his car.]

  [whispering]  "Albert, this is quite a stroke of luck."  "Yes, it is.  Shhh, here he comes."

  "I apologize for the condition of the box.  I hit a hole in the road and it must have flipped over in the boot.  I'm not sure if it will be any good now."

  "You know what it is?"

  "Yes.  It is a berry pie.  Mary's daughter baked one for Clarence's birthday and sent belated wishes.  She knew you were fond of her mother's pies."

  "Oh my, well, I'm sure we will try to salvage it!  It is, after all, my favorite.  Please tell her thank you for us.  Do you know when services will be held for Mary?"

  "I've been told there will be a wake on Friday down at the Elk and Hound Pub.  Her body had to be cremated because there were still some spider egg sacs hidden in her hair, and the medical examiner thought it would be the safest thing to do."

  "Of course.  We shall tell her ourselves then when we see her on Friday.  I do hope that your officer recovers soon."

  "Unfortunately, I think it will be quite a while for him.  His career as an officer may well be over.  I was told that there was a spider on the outside of the hospital window that he caught a glimpse of, and they had to physically restrain and sedate him."

  "That is unfortunate."

  "Yes, I must be going now, I've got to start interviewing for his replacement this afternoon.  I will see you both on Friday."

Mabel ...

  "Albert, did you see the hoarfrost this morning?"

  "Clarence!  What a rude thing to say about Mabel!  Why on earth would you call her a whore?!?!?!"

  "I wouldn't dare!  But I wasn't even talking about her!  I was talking about the frost on the flowers in the garden this morning.  Why on earth would YOU assume I was talking about Mabel?  Didn't you date her at uni?"

  "I misunderstood you.  And no, we never 'dated,' we just ... never mind.  We did not date.  I wasn't aware that the temperature was going to drop overnight.  It is a bit odd, isn't it, for this time of year?"

  "Global warming, I think.  Who did you date at uni?  I was certain it was Mabel."

  "It wasn't.  And it is none of your business.  Do you suppose that the frost could have killed those spiders?"

  "Oh no.  Spiders are really fascinating creatures.  They don't necessarily hibernate, but they will hide in protected areas, like under logs or fallen leaves.  Then they can go into diapause when the temperatures drop."

  "Like suspended animation?"

  "More or less.  Only the egg sacs will.  It is a suspended development.  The 'adult' or 'children' will simply find places to hide that protect them from the cold.  We'll have to go out and bury Mary, won't we?"

  "Do you suppose there is anything left of her?  Wouldn't they have eaten her?"

  "Actually, no.  And while 'our' spider did make a rather spectacular egg sac, I've been doing some research since that evening and discovered that she wouldn't have laid her eggs 'in' Mary.  She, however, may have eaten Mary."

  "Wait.  Are you saying that what we took out to the forest may not have actually been Mary?"

  "It may have been what was left of Mary.  Did you actually see the spider when you went into the basement?  How large was it?"

  "It was QUITE large.  I would say that it may have been the size of a large dog.  If it had been the size of a normal spider, I doubt very much that the officer or I would have even noticed it.  Or that he would have reacted in the dramatic fashion that he did."

  "Hmmmm.  Interesting.  I would like to go see if we can find Mary.  I'd be interested in seeing if we can tell how she died."

   [Loud knocking on the front door ...]

indecision ...

   [The sound of something heavy being dragged through the woods.]

  "Albert?"

  "Yes, Clarence?"

  "Do you suppose we will have to move now?"

  "Oh, I don't think so.  If we were suddenly to leave town after two police officers came to see us, it might just look a little suspicious."

  "But we didn't do anything."

  "No.  We didn't.  But we could have, and that's what people will focus on.  Watch the head there.  You don't want to hit it on that big rock."

  "Oh, right.  Sorry.  I wasn't watching where I was going.  Albert, what is your favorite leaf color?"

  "What?  Leaf color?  What on earth are you talking about?  Watch where you are walking!"

  "I am watching!  I was just wondering what your favorite color is for fall leaves.  You know.  Red.  Yellow.  Orange.  Which one is your favorite?"

  "I don't know.  Yellow, I suppose.  Although red is a beautiful color.  Orange can be also, in the right light.  I really don't know.  Mind this log here.  You'll have to lift higher to clear it."

  "It sounds to me like you like the indecision leaves the best.  Oof, this seems to be getting heavier by the minute.  How much farther now?  Are you really certain this was the only option?  My back is going to be killing me for a month after this.  Tell me again why we couldn't use a car?"

  "If you would complain less and walk more it wouldn't be taking nearly as long.  And yes.  This was the only option that would protect us.  We couldn't take a car because we don't have a car that runs, remember?  SOMEONE keeps forgetting to get a new battery ordered.  And what the bloody hell is an indecision leaf?"

  "Why should I be the one that has to order a new battery?  You're the one with the license AND who knows how to drive.  An indecision leaf is just that.  A leaf that hasn't made up its mind what it wants to be, so it just has all the colors on it.  Even still a bit of green.  You know, we really got lucky that the officer had arechna ... arack ... had a fear of spiders.  Who would've thought that a grown man could scream like a little girl?"

  "Ha!  Don't flatter yourself.  It sounded just like you when you thought that odd bit of yarn of Mother's was a snake."

  "I was five years old!  What was I supposed to sound like?"

  "That was just last week when you were cleaning out the pantry looking for sweets, and don't try to be coy.  I came running to see what was wrong with you and nearly gave myself a hernia laughing when I saw what it was.  But yes, we were lucky that he fainted as well and hit his head.  With all of the chaos of calling the hospital and getting an ambulance out for him, the detective never even thought to check the cellar himself."

  "Albert."

  "What is it now, Clarence?  If we don't get Mary buried before dark, we will never find our way back, and I for one don't want to be out here in the dark with her.  It's bad .... why did you stop?"

  "Albert.  She's moving.  She's moving under the sheet."

  "What?!?!  Don't be daft.  With all the webbing that spider of yours spun around her, she can't still be alive and ... what is that?  Is that a ...."

  "It is.  It's a baby spider.  It must have laid its eggs inside Mary and now they are all hatching from her.  What should we do, Albert?"

  "RUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN"

oliver ...

   [A]  "Clarence.  So kind of you to finally join us.  Detective Griffiths here would like to ask you a few questions about Mary."

  [C]  "Mary?"

  [A]  "Yes, Mary.  The woman who used to cook for us, remember?  Perhaps that skunk addled your brain as well as fouling your clothes?"

  [C]  "Yes, yes.  I know who she is.  I just don't understand why he wants to talk to me."

  [G]  "It's really just a formality, Clarence.  No need to worry.  Her daughter told us that the last time she spoke to her mother, she was planning on coming here as usual to cook weekend meals for the two of you?  Did she arrive?"

  [C]  "Hmmm.  I'm not quite sure.  How long ago would that have been?  My memory is not what it used to be at times."

  [G flipping open notepad back a few pages] "I believe that would have been on the 19th."

  [C]  "Ah, yes.  She was here that day, but as I recall, she left before preparing any dessert for us for the weekend."

  [G]  "Oh?  Why was that?"

  [Nameless Officer] "Excuse me, sir.  There seems to be a door we've been unable to open."

  [G] "Albert?  I thought you said we would have full access?"

  [A]  "Oh my.  He must be talking about the cellar door.  We haven't been down there in decades.  I wasn't even aware that it was locked.  Perhaps it is just stuck. Let me go see about it now.  Clarence, you carry on with Detective Griffiths.  I won't be but a minute."

  [G] "So, Clarence.  Tell me what you were doing in the woods today."

  [C]  "What?"

  [G]  "Your little walk in the woods where you encountered the skunk?"

  [C]  "Oh yes, well, I went to speak to Owliver."

  [G]  "Oliver, eh?  And who is this Oliver?"

  [C]  "No, not OLIVEr.  OWLiver.  An owl that I see on my walk occasionally.  We have a 'hoot' of a laugh and ..."

  [Crashing sounds of something falling.  Sounds of a loud struggle in the hallway.  A scream ... then silence.]

virtues ...

   "Clarence!  Clarence, they're here!  The police are here and ... oh my goodness, what is that smell emanating off of you???  It's ... is that a woman's perfume?"

  "Albert, you know I'm nervous about what the police might find.  And when I get nervous, I sweat.  And when I sweat, I smell.  And ..."

  "Yes, but you DON'T smell like a woman!  What did you do?"

  "I couldn't find any of your cologne, and I couldn't find mine either.  I found a bottle of something called The 7 Virtues Lotus Pear Eau de Parfum in the back of a drawer in your desk, and ..."

  "YOU WENT SNOOPING IN MY DESK?!?!?  How dare you!  That was actually a gift for ... well never mind who it was a gift for.  I shan't be giving it to them now.  Had I known that the smell of it would make me feel less than amorous, I wouldn't have bought it.  In any case, you reek of an old woman who has been dead in the grave for ... oh, my.  That was a bad reference, wasn't it?  Disregard that thought.   But we will have to do something about how you smell, and ..."

  [Loud knocking at the door.]

  "Damn it all.  Clarence will you get ... no, I'll get it.  YOU go upstairs straightaway and take a bath with lots of vinegar to get that wretched odor off of you."

  [Footsteps running up the stairs.  Slower, measured ones going towards the front door and hesitating.  The sound of water running upstairs.  The door opens.]

  "Gentlemen, do come in.  I apologize for my brother not being here with me to greet you.  He's just run a bath upstairs.  It seems he ran into a skunk, literally, while he was out walking earlier."

  "That's quite alright, Albert.  We can speak with him later.  Do you mind if my colleagues have a look around while we chat in the kitchen?

very berry ...

   "Clarence?"

   "Albert?"

   "Clarence."

   "Albert."

   [C] "Stop that!!!  I am not in the mood for a game of Marco Polo.  We have a serious issue at hand.  What are we going to do about Mary?"

   [A] "Mary?"

   [C] "Yes, Mary!  The cook!  Remember?!?  In the cellar?"

   [A] "Oh.  Yes.  The cellar.  Did you check to see if she was still down there?  Perhaps she managed to make it out of there ... alive ... and decided it would be a fine time to move to ... Crete.  Or somewhere similarly distant.  Like Patagonia or whatever."

   [C] "Why should I be the one to look for her?  You were the one who sent her down for more jam."

   [A] "Yes, but you were the one who wanted a quadruple berry pie for your birthday.  If you hadn't been so greedy and settled for just a triple-berry pie, we wouldn't be in this predicament."

   [C] "Perhaps.  But you were the one who brought the blasted thing home from school for the holiday, then lost it in the cellar after grandmama fainted when she saw it."

   [A] "Well, that was nearly 50 years ago, AND if you had perhaps eaten fewer pies as a child, you might have been fast enough to stomp on IT instead of MY foot."

   [C]  "ENOUGH!  What are we going to do?  The police have now opened an official missing persons inquiry and I just received a call that they want to come talk to us and have a look about the house since we, presumably, were the last to see her."

  [A]  "Umm, yes, and the keyword there is 'presumably.'  Mary is a grown woman with no reason to be accountable to us for her schedules or whereabouts when she is not under our employ."

  [C]  "What are you blathering on about?  Mary has been cooking meals for us for the past 40 years."

  [A]  "Technically, yes.  However, I was forced to let her go about 15 years ago when we had some financial issues.  I just simply forgot to tell her.  When our finances became a little more ... eh ... solvent ... I simply started to pay for her other bills instead of directly paying her.  It was a verbal agreement that seemed to suit both of us much better.  She didn't have to pay taxes on that income, and I didn't have to pay taxes on an employee.

   "But we can discuss that later.  Right now the issue at hand is the police.  And the cellar.  What are we going to do about that?  We can't let them go down there."

   [C]  "And why not?  WE have no idea what is down there since neither of us has actually been down there since that day IT escaped.  We've had no reason to go down there, and no reason to have sent Mary down there.  There is no proof otherwise.  If perhaps the police go down there ... armed with weapons of course ... well, let's just say it could 'kill two birds' ... or rather one immensely large spider ... with one stone.  Let's just let sleeping cooks lie and feign ignorance, shall we?  For now?"

highlands ...

   "Clarence?  Where are you taking Augustus?"

   "Where he belongs."

   "But he belongs to us now, Clarence.  Really, I don't know why you got so bent out of shape about a small, innocent, sweet-faced little lamb being in your bathtub.  I did give him the bath he needed, and I washed out your bathtub.  I don't know why you are just being so difficult about this."

   "DIFFICULT?!?!?!?!  This ... THIS IS A LAMB.  Not a cute little puppy, or sweet little kitten.  It is a LAMB.  Lambs grow up to be large sheep that poo a thousand times more, unbelievably, than this small creature already does ALL OVER THE HOUSE."

   "Clarence, please don't scream.  You are scaring Augustus.  Sit down, please.  Let's discuss this rationally."

  "Rationally?  RATIONALLY?  You were the one behaving irrationally by bringing it home in the first place???  You ..."

  "Clarence, I really must insist that you refer to him by his name.  He has feelings, you know.  Now.  Tell me where you are off to with him?"

  "I am taking AUGUSTUS to a farm in Scotland where he will be able to live a happy life with other LAMBS and SHEEP.  Perhaps he will even meet a nice young EWE named AGATHA, and they will have little LAMBS they can name CORA or BERNARD."

  "Did you know that mares eat oats, and goats eat oats, and little lambs eat ivy?  A kid will eat ivy, too."

  [receeding foot stomps, a distant baaaaaaaaaa, followed by a door slamming]

  "It really must be his hormones.  Although, we did just experience a full moon, solar eclipse, and mercury in retrograde.  Perhaps he hasn't yet recovered." 

baaaaaaaaaa ...

   "Albert!"

   "Yes, dear brother?"

   "Why is there a lamb my bathtub?!?"

   "Well, you didn't expect me to put it in mine, did you?"

   "I wouldn't have expected you to put it in any bathtub!  What is it doing in the house?"

   "It had a bit of mud and such on its wool, and I was hoping you could give it a bath."

   "YOU WERE HOPING I WOULD GIVE IT A BATH?  ARE YOU DAFT?"

   "There really is no need to scream at me, Clarence.  I am sitting less than two feet away from you.  Of course, I hoped you would give it a bath.  It is in your bathtub after all."

   "ONLY ... only because YOU put it there!  I've never seen that lamb before in my life!  Why on earth would I give it a bath?"

   "Because of the mud and such on its wool, as I said."

   "BUT ... [deep sigh] ... but what is it doing here?  What is it doing in the house?  Where did it come from?"

   "It came from the field, of course!  Where else would it get mud and such on it?  It needs a bath, so I brought it in."

   "ALBERT ... [deeper sigh] ... dearest brother.  We do not own sheep, therefore, we do not own lambs.  There are no sheep ... or lambs ... in our fields.  Therefore, it cannot be ours, and should not be in MY BATHTUB!"

  "Clarence.  You should really calm yourself.  You are going to give yourself a coronary.  Not to mention scaring the lamb.  If you must know, I purchased the lamb this morning down at the yards.  It looked at me with those eyes, and I knew that I could not let it go to whatever fate was in store for it.  It ... it more or less followed me home.

   "Wait ... where are you going?  Shouldn't you be going upstairs to your bathroom?  Clarence?  Clarence?  Augustus is there, not outside."

   [faintly from distance ...] "AUGUSTUS!?!?!?"

   [SLAM]

   "I just don't understand why he is so cranky this morning.  It must be his hormones."