very berry ...

   "Clarence?"

   "Albert?"

   "Clarence."

   "Albert."

   [C] "Stop that!!!  I am not in the mood for a game of Marco Polo.  We have a serious issue at hand.  What are we going to do about Mary?"

   [A] "Mary?"

   [C] "Yes, Mary!  The cook!  Remember?!?  In the cellar?"

   [A] "Oh.  Yes.  The cellar.  Did you check to see if she was still down there?  Perhaps she managed to make it out of there ... alive ... and decided it would be a fine time to move to ... Crete.  Or somewhere similarly distant.  Like Patagonia or whatever."

   [C] "Why should I be the one to look for her?  You were the one who sent her down for more jam."

   [A] "Yes, but you were the one who wanted a quadruple berry pie for your birthday.  If you hadn't been so greedy and settled for just a triple-berry pie, we wouldn't be in this predicament."

   [C] "Perhaps.  But you were the one who brought the blasted thing home from school for the holiday, then lost it in the cellar after grandmama fainted when she saw it."

   [A] "Well, that was nearly 50 years ago, AND if you had perhaps eaten fewer pies as a child, you might have been fast enough to stomp on IT instead of MY foot."

   [C]  "ENOUGH!  What are we going to do?  The police have now opened an official missing persons inquiry and I just received a call that they want to come talk to us and have a look about the house since we, presumably, were the last to see her."

  [A]  "Umm, yes, and the keyword there is 'presumably.'  Mary is a grown woman with no reason to be accountable to us for her schedules or whereabouts when she is not under our employ."

  [C]  "What are you blathering on about?  Mary has been cooking meals for us for the past 40 years."

  [A]  "Technically, yes.  However, I was forced to let her go about 15 years ago when we had some financial issues.  I just simply forgot to tell her.  When our finances became a little more ... eh ... solvent ... I simply started to pay for her other bills instead of directly paying her.  It was a verbal agreement that seemed to suit both of us much better.  She didn't have to pay taxes on that income, and I didn't have to pay taxes on an employee.

   "But we can discuss that later.  Right now the issue at hand is the police.  And the cellar.  What are we going to do about that?  We can't let them go down there."

   [C]  "And why not?  WE have no idea what is down there since neither of us has actually been down there since that day IT escaped.  We've had no reason to go down there, and no reason to have sent Mary down there.  There is no proof otherwise.  If perhaps the police go down there ... armed with weapons of course ... well, let's just say it could 'kill two birds' ... or rather one immensely large spider ... with one stone.  Let's just let sleeping cooks lie and feign ignorance, shall we?  For now?"

highlands ...

   "Clarence?  Where are you taking Augustus?"

   "Where he belongs."

   "But he belongs to us now, Clarence.  Really, I don't know why you got so bent out of shape about a small, innocent, sweet-faced little lamb being in your bathtub.  I did give him the bath he needed, and I washed out your bathtub.  I don't know why you are just being so difficult about this."

   "DIFFICULT?!?!?!?!  This ... THIS IS A LAMB.  Not a cute little puppy, or sweet little kitten.  It is a LAMB.  Lambs grow up to be large sheep that poo a thousand times more, unbelievably, than this small creature already does ALL OVER THE HOUSE."

   "Clarence, please don't scream.  You are scaring Augustus.  Sit down, please.  Let's discuss this rationally."

  "Rationally?  RATIONALLY?  You were the one behaving irrationally by bringing it home in the first place???  You ..."

  "Clarence, I really must insist that you refer to him by his name.  He has feelings, you know.  Now.  Tell me where you are off to with him?"

  "I am taking AUGUSTUS to a farm in Scotland where he will be able to live a happy life with other LAMBS and SHEEP.  Perhaps he will even meet a nice young EWE named AGATHA, and they will have little LAMBS they can name CORA or BERNARD."

  "Did you know that mares eat oats, and goats eat oats, and little lambs eat ivy?  A kid will eat ivy, too."

  [receeding foot stomps, a distant baaaaaaaaaa, followed by a door slamming]

  "It really must be his hormones.  Although, we did just experience a full moon, solar eclipse, and mercury in retrograde.  Perhaps he hasn't yet recovered." 

baaaaaaaaaa ...

   "Albert!"

   "Yes, dear brother?"

   "Why is there a lamb my bathtub?!?"

   "Well, you didn't expect me to put it in mine, did you?"

   "I wouldn't have expected you to put it in any bathtub!  What is it doing in the house?"

   "It had a bit of mud and such on its wool, and I was hoping you could give it a bath."

   "YOU WERE HOPING I WOULD GIVE IT A BATH?  ARE YOU DAFT?"

   "There really is no need to scream at me, Clarence.  I am sitting less than two feet away from you.  Of course, I hoped you would give it a bath.  It is in your bathtub after all."

   "ONLY ... only because YOU put it there!  I've never seen that lamb before in my life!  Why on earth would I give it a bath?"

   "Because of the mud and such on its wool, as I said."

   "BUT ... [deep sigh] ... but what is it doing here?  What is it doing in the house?  Where did it come from?"

   "It came from the field, of course!  Where else would it get mud and such on it?  It needs a bath, so I brought it in."

   "ALBERT ... [deeper sigh] ... dearest brother.  We do not own sheep, therefore, we do not own lambs.  There are no sheep ... or lambs ... in our fields.  Therefore, it cannot be ours, and should not be in MY BATHTUB!"

  "Clarence.  You should really calm yourself.  You are going to give yourself a coronary.  Not to mention scaring the lamb.  If you must know, I purchased the lamb this morning down at the yards.  It looked at me with those eyes, and I knew that I could not let it go to whatever fate was in store for it.  It ... it more or less followed me home.

   "Wait ... where are you going?  Shouldn't you be going upstairs to your bathroom?  Clarence?  Clarence?  Augustus is there, not outside."

   [faintly from distance ...] "AUGUSTUS!?!?!?"

   [SLAM]

   "I just don't understand why he is so cranky this morning.  It must be his hormones."

lines ...

 Why paint within the lines?

 Why not just paint ...

 and add the lines later?

 My new mantra for aging ... wildly.