almost midnight on a thursday ...

Token flower photo
inserted here
just to keep from being
boring.

  I'm having trouble sleeping lately.  Tho tonight I suspect it is because I walked to Main Street for their Thursday festivities, and then ate far too much.  I've not had an appetite either lately and only ate so much because I was paying for it, and knew the leftovers wouldn't reheat well.   I also knew I would have to take one of my meds when I got home that does better on a full stomach.

  

  In a sense, I was rebelling against my continued weight loss.  Seven and a half pounds down in the last ten days.  The size 12 jeans I was so thrilled to fit into just a few months ago, now are practically falling off me.  I can pull them down without unbuttoning or unzipping.  I wore leggings today, only because I didn't want my jeans to fall off before I got to town.

  Despite what the doctor ISN'T saying, I've begun to realize that whatever "this" is, it isn't good.  I can read between the lines of the referrals to specialists that he has been giving me, and when the word malignant is used as something they need to be looking for ... well, it is what it is.

  To be honest, I'm a bit relieved.  I think I really stopped living the day Trooper died and just began existing as a placeholder in time and space.  I've selected a couple to share my living will responsibilities and medical directives.  I've made my wishes known to my doctor.  But I am not suicidal.  What I am is at peace with it, and I don't want to spend whatever time, even if years, puking my guts out from chemo or radiation.  What a miserable way to live ... or die.

  Priorities change when you realize that life may be shorter than expected.  Choosing joy, choosing laughter, become more of a priority.  Eliminating negativity ... including toxic people ... doing the things I choose to do and not being manipulated into feeling guilty for them ....  Things I wish I had done sooner, but some lessons we have to learn the hard way in order to appreciate the good when it comes.

  I don't want the blog to become a downer to read, so will try not to dwell on this very often.  I've decided to start a "mid-year resolution" and do some home cooking on Sundays, trying the many recipes I tear out of my magazines every month.  A new friend, Annie, and her son may join me occasionally.  My bucket list is a work in progress, tho I'm certain that some things I will never be able to do.  Instead, I may just decide to wing it and see where life continues to take me.

  Last night when I was struggling to fall asleep, my brain kept circling the drain with the "alone" demons and the temptation to hate and blame *him.*  Eventually, I was able to fall asleep and had a rather pleasant dream of wearing a straw cowboy hat, holding hands, and flirting with a man who bore a resemblance to Matthew McConaughey while listening to music at a festival much like tonight.

  My first thought when I woke up was "Damn.  I need to get me a straw hat."

  Choose joy.  Choose laughter.