a leap of faith ...

   I may have mentioned here before my lack of friends and family in White Sulphur Springs.  Throwing a dart at a map, and moving somewhere just because I can afford the rent and they let me have two cats and a dog was a wise move at the time under the circumstances.  But I hadn't planned on health issues continuing the Covid19 isolation for the first five months of the year.  Working from home = convenient and a job that moves with me, but can also be isolating in that friends made in Zoom-ish meetings usually live in other states.  A little hard to gather for a weekend BBQ, coffee on Sunday, or happy hour after work.  Especially when my happy hour now consists of uninterrupted crafting, or snuggles with one of the cats while watching TV.

  I have made one friend, Annie, at a little shop on Main Street.  I even got to hang out with her 10-year-old son, William, last weekend when she worked a 2nd job helping with a concert at the Road Hog BBQ.  But for the most part, I've become more of an introvert these last 11 years than the days when I would show up when a new neighbor was moving into my Florida townhouse complex.  Armed with toilet paper, paper towels, pizza, and cold water I would welcome them to the neighborhood and warn them that I threw parties once a month and invited everyone as an excuse to deep clean my house first.

  Yesterday after work, I had planned on going to pick up some prescriptions at Walgreens, and some groceries at Food Lion.  I hopped into my truck, started it up, threw it into gear, and eased down on the gas.  And didn't move.  Odd.  I eased a bit more on the gas and started to pull away from the curb when I felt some resistance and heard an odder sound.  I call it a wubba wubba sound.  The sound of a very flat tire.

  A very flat tire.  No car jack.  And a spare tire that doesn't look like it is even for my truck (that I have been hauling around for three years now).  At a time when all of the tire repair shops were getting ready to close for the day.

  My auto insurance has roadside assistance, and will tow my truck somewhere I can get it repaired since I'm not sure the spare will fit, but then I have to find a way to get to it once repaired.  Plus hope that they have time to fix it in one day and that it can be fixed and will not require an all-new tire.  Annie said she could give me a ride to pick it up, but I decided to also take a step out in faith because I felt this was God trying to humble me to ask for help.

  I'm not an asker.  I'm usually a giver.  A doer.  A surpriser.  Asking for help has always been hard for me.  I can spend all kinds of money on others, but have a hard time splurging on myself 95% of the time.  On top of that, ten years with an angry alcoholic/addict burnt a lot of bridges and distanced a lot of neighbors and friends everywhere we lived.  That made it hard for me to trust people and put me in an isolation box.

  But I'm at a place in my life right now where I need to have a support system.  I love Annie to pieces, but she's got a job and a son, and will not always be available to help me, especially when/if I become more ill or need to have surgeries or other treatments for cancer.

  So I posted on two Facebook community pages asking for help to get my tire fixed so I can get to my gastro specialist and MRI appointments later next week (a massively HUGE leap of faith for me).  Faith was rewarded.  One of the responses was from a neighbor directly across the street from me, whose husband will look at the tires when he gets off work today.  The other, from someone who will give me rides if needed (hello future colonoscopy!).

  Stepping out of the box is a good thing.

Words on Wednesday 7/28

 This month, [Lissa is the host] for Words for Wednesday. Started by Delores ages ago, it is now hosted by different people each month on various blogs around the world. The aim of Words for Wednesday is to encourage us to write using some or all of the prompts.  Her prompts today are inspired by The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett.

~*~*~

    Her fear was like a secret fire burning within her, and she hated it.  Despised it even.  There had been periods of her life when it controlled her.  After a time, however, she would stomp it out and rise up to face it.  Often at great physical risk to herself.

     Now, she went on a garden walk, with the weight of the world on her shoulders and very nearly consumed by the fear of what uncertainties lay ahead.  Her mind raced at times, and she wished ~ prayed even ~ that she could abandon everything unknown for some magic that would cure her.

    Looking back on her life, she had no regrets ... well, almost none.  That last marriage probably should have been a do-over back to the moment she agreed to let him go with her to Texas.  But what could she do now?  Nothing lasted forever and for that, she was grateful that the marriage hadn't.

    The key to happiness she realized, wasn't in only the happy moments.  It was being able to spring back from the bad with a sense of purpose, and with a new respect for the lessons of life.

monday part two ...

 

Image Source: WeHeartIt.com

... or rather "anticipation" as sung by Carly Simon before Heinz Ketchup made it more about tomatoes.

  Today's appointments ... one a boob smasher, and the other even more painful ... went as well as could be expected.  The mammogram was actually not painful compared to previous ones, thanks to a new 3D screening process.  However, there were three or four biopsies taken during the "other" exam and those were very uncomfortable.

    I like Dr. Connie.  She is straight to the point, which startled me at first.  She had been able to view the CT images and read the report before I saw her.  But having a doctor come in and tell you radiation is going to give the best odds is not how most great conversations start.  Memorable ones, yes, but not always good ones.  I told her I wasn't sure I wanted to do radiation because I didn't have a big support system here and couldn't afford to miss a lot of work.  She said we could do nothing, I could walk out the door right then, but in five weeks I could be out of work anyway and in hospice.  With that thought in mind, I agreed to do the exam and then see what came back with the biopsy results.

     After talking to Dr. K when I got home, he clarified her "opening statement" can be an example of how different surgeons and general practitioners view cancer.  Surgeons sometimes want to approach everything as cancer until it is proven not.  GPs sometimes want to approach everything as not cancer until it is proven it is.  

     I'm not going to let it worry me until I know I have something to worry about.  Dr. K pointed out some of my recent test results seem to indicate whatever was wrong is improving, but at the same time, he told me there were quite a few enlarged lymph nodes.  If it isn't something gynecological, then it could still be something with my colon based on where they were.  It is unlikely they are related to whatever is going on with my liver.  Between the two doctors, I feel I'm getting honest conversations, and good perspectives. 

    This next week will be filled with anticipation for the results of the biopsies, scheduling more diagnostic exams (MRI and the dreaded colonoscopy), and taking everything one day at a time.

    And yes, Charlotte, I have a dark sense of humor.  Warped, often self-deprecating, twisted, wicked.  Because if I can't laugh at myself and my life, I shouldn't laugh at anyone else... I'd probably need to be locked up somewhere too.  A sense of humor is the best defense against the injustices of growing old.

     This is my favorite card, and I received it years before my retinal tear took most of the vision in my right eye.  One of my surgeries was just before changing jobs, and I hung this card on my cubical wall when I started my new job with a patch over my eye.  My Program Manager, call sign Rowdy, asked me if someone was making fun of me by posting the card, and I told him no, it was mine.  He said I would fit in just perfect there, and my call sign of Cyclops was born.

     Laughter is healing.

monday morning ...

   The weekend was quiet with some things accomplished and some things not.

 

  Friday I stepped out and discovered that some of my gladiolas are starting to bloom, and the sedum that I rescued from the trash.

    I finished cleaning the downstairs; got the stairs going up and my bedroom vacuumed; folded, and put away the clean clothes.  Trust me, that alone is an accomplishment because sometimes I can have two weeks of clothes in the dryer, or just pull from a stack of three weeks worth of clean that is piled up in a chair.  I think I was anxious cleaning in anticipation of this afternoon's GYN appointment.

 

   I hung flower prints in my bedroom by my meditation slash journaling chair and decided to look for old quilts or woven blankets to hang in the living room.  Finished putting up some family and friend pictures in the dining room.   I still have more to print but decided that I didn't want to go all frames in the small space I had left so put up some twine to clothespin the photos like a banner.

    Saturday night I hung out with the ten-year-old son of a friend and used that as an excuse to rewatch some animated movies I hadn't seen in a while.

    I was up and down all Saturday night with a migraine, I've had headaches for the past week and my blood pressure has been a bit on the almost high side, with my calves, ankles (cankles), and feet swelling at night.  I'll probably reach out to my doctor about getting back on medication for the blood pressure.  I'm not sure if it is caused by the humidity ~ it has been in the 80%s for the last two months and I'm not used to humidity for this long yet.

    This weekend I also came to the decision that I'm not going to let the financial burden of medical bills stress me out and drag me down right now.  If I'm given a diagnosis with a simple fix and a positive outlook for extended years, I will file bankruptcy after the beginning of the year.  If it is a bad diagnosis, without a simple fix, and a short life expectancy ... then I will just not even worry about it.  What are they going to do?  Kill me?  Bwahahahahahaha.