New Year's Eve Eve

 I'm feeling more melancholy than usual for this time of year.  Maybe it is the beer I'm drinking tonight, but probably not.  The last 10 days have been filled with a roller coaster of emotions.

 For starters, one of my nephews [because for me, divorce does not sever family ties] has been missing for the past nine days.  I know that he would not have missed his 12~almost 13-year-old~ son's Christmas, and so when I woke this morning filled with sadness and dread it was almost confirmation of my fears even though he has yet to be found.  Honestly, if he were found alive at this moment, I would just rip his head off for scaring us for the last 9-10 days, but I'm afraid that won't be the case.  He was last known to be using meth again, so I am praying that he is just holed up in a dealer's hole, or in rehab, but with all the media attention that his absence has gotten ... well, I'm just asking for prayers.  I keep hoping he shows up at my door so I can save everyone else the hassle of killing him.

  I am a rock, in the middle of a raging river, feeling the current crashing over me.  Trying so hard to be the solid foothold for my niece, Xzana, who is dealing with a missing brother and a mother's mental illness; and also trying to support my nephew's wife and autistic son who doesn't understand why his dad isn't there for him.

  Christmas was a non-event, which was for me very ... depressing.  Yes, my plans changed (from going to VA to staying home) which added a bit to my depression, but apparently how I'm expected to celebrate also changed.  The household is once again ruled by May who decided that gifts and stockings would not be opened until New Year's Day.  I thought at first that was a cultural, Philippines, thing but according to Bing ... not the case.  

  To be totally honest and transparent ... I will be very glad when the five from the Philippines are gone from my life.  That sounds mean to say, and even think, but it is the truth.  Some of them have to be the most inconsiderate people I have ever met.  Not just because of how they interact (or don't) with me, but because of how they interact with each other. 

  For example, they had a party on Christmas Eve [here at "my" house] to which an additional eight or ten were invited (not me) and one of them was asleep because he had to be at work at 4a on Christmas Day.  They woke him up at 1230a so that he could partake in the "grace" over the food.  Then, they proceeded to party and sing karaoke (quite loudly) until 230a just outside his bedroom door after he went back to bed.

  I will be profoundly sad, however, when Bipin leaves.  He is an old soul from whom I have learned much.

  Here is all that I have to offer tonight, which truthfully isn't much.

  Life is short.  Life is precious.  Treat yourself with kindness.  Forgive. Love one another.  Be kind to each other.  Be kind to yourself.  Hold on.  Hold on.  Hold on.  It will get better.